Along with Entertainment Weekly I celebrate the weekly wonder that is Jane Lynch, who plays the balls-to-wall coach on one of this year’s most vibrant new TV shows, “Glee”.
I can’t even begin to describe the forceful wit and deliriously warped nature that her character, Coach Sue Sylvester, displays on each episode. She heads the Cheerios, the uppity cheerleaders from McKinley High who are the competing this season against the Glee Club, a group of seeming misfits led by teacher Will Schuester, played by Matthew Morrison.
I won’t go into this guilty pleasure’s other plot points, such as the knocked up former cheerleader Quinn, who’s pregnant with Puck, the Mohawked-sullen Glee member but who has told Finn, the football jock, that it’s his baby, or that there is at least a couple of love triangles forming –one between Finn and Rachel, the assertive Glee female lead and one involving Coach Scheuster and the uptight guidance counselor germaphobe, Emma. I won’t get started on Coach Will’s rotten wife, Terri, who has been faking a pregnancy all season.
I recently found out that Fox is putting this show on ice, for a little while. Not to worry: the show is a huge hit, especially on iTunes, where each week’s songs can be found the very next day, ready to be downloaded.
A soundtrack CD with “Part 1” of this season’s songs is available , as will be a DVD with this season’s episodes on December 29. The show has been been picked for the full season, and it looks like it won’t be back til mid-April, to make way, presumably, for the yearly juggernaut known as “American Idol”. By mid-April, of course, we’ll be well into the Top 10 or so singers, when we will know who the front-runners are, when we’ll be sick of Kara’s yammering and probably tired of new judge’s Ellen DeGeneres’s fawning, seeing as she is replacing the “nice” (but nutty) judge Paula now. Finally, you can catch all episodes of “Glee” on Hulu –for free. [http://www.hulu.com/glee]
So as I approach the mid-season of “Glee” and finally reach the “Road to Sectionals” episode this Wednesday night, I think it’s time to once again salute one of television’s true original characters, a character like no other. Sue Sylvester is your old gym teacher, she is your old school yard duty, she is your inner voice telling you to man up and stop whining like a weakling. She ball-busts like no one else. She can demolish you in an instant —with her mouth:
Memorable Glee Quotes
”I’m going to ask you to smell your armpits. That’s the smell of failure, and it’s stinking up my office.”
”That was the most offensive thing I’ve seen in 20 years of teaching — and that includes an elementary school production of Hair.”
Sue: ”Iron tablet? It keeps your strength up when you menstruate.”
Will: ”I don’t menstruate.”
Sue: ”Neither do I.”
”I’m about to projectile express myself all over your Hush Puppies.”
”You think this was hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they’re going in another direction. That was hard.”
”I’m all about empowerment. I empower my Cheerios to live in a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror.”
”You’re dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It’s like mother’s milk to them.”
Will: ”I will destroy you”
Sue: ”I am about to vomit down your back.” — Sue and Will, whispering into each other’s ear, while forced to hug by Principal Figgins
”I always thought the desire to procreate showed deep personal weakness.”
”I don’t trust a man with curly hair. I can’t help picturing small birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and I find it disgusting.”
”I can’t stand the sight of kids getting emotional, unless it’s from physical exhaustion.”
”I am going to create an environment so toxic no one will want to be part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple and salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing could grow there for 100 years. Know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs.”
”I like minorities so much, I’m thinking of moving to California to become one.”
‘Look at me. Even in the heat of battle, I’m so elegant, regal. I am Ajax, mighty Greek warrior.”
”I, for one, think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling”
”You sunk my battleship, Rod. And you sunk it hard.”
”…I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark, cold night, I will steal away into your house…and punch you in the face.”
”Me, I never wanted kids — don’t have the time, don’t have the uterus.”
”[Wheelchair ramps] are what I call lazy-makers. They discourage able-bodied students from getting proper exercise by using the stairs.’
”If I have a pregnant girl doing a handspring into a double layout, the judges aren’t going to be admiring her impeccable form, they’re going to be wondering if the centrifugal force is going to make the baby’s head start crowning.”