Let’s say you have a nagging random drug test you must take at work. Your boss thinks you’re using and he demands you pee into a cup. Maybe you need to do this for life insurance or maybe your parole officer is breathing down your neck, busting down your door to prove you’re clean. And hell no, you don’t want anyone detecting that good ganja your homie offered you over the weekend. Who knows? You don’t even want to be taken down by that Robitussin you’re downin’ for your cough or those poppy seeds on that bagel from Noah’s.
My friends, you really can buy anything in this country. From the same company that sells “Phantomplate”, the spray that eludes photo radar and red-light cameras, now comes Quick Fix, a container of fake urine that you are supposed to use when you have to submit to these annoying tests. For $29.95, you get a 2 oz. plastic bottle of synthetic urine, an amount that conforms to guidelines over how much you need to give up at any one time. (I guess beyond that, you’re on your own.) The fake stuff apparently is Ph-balanced and contains all the various and normal minerals and chemical whatnot you’d find in both male and female pee. The site repeatedly describes the fake urine as “unisex”
You didn’t think you just pour the yellow stuff into a cup and walk out smiling, did you? No. You got to be able to heat it up! I mean, how else would it come from a warm body, uh, i.e., you? Let’s go and find a microwave while we’re at it:
To use, simply pour contents of QuickFix container into urine cup at drug testing facility. Make sure your sample is within proper temperature range of 94-100 degrees F. The Quick Fix container can be microwaved up to 10 seconds for initial heat. Be sure to pop up the top prior to heating to release pressure. After heating, close cap and shake bottle. If the temperature remains out of range after first heating, repeat procedure. If the temperature is not in range after two attempts, make sure the container has not been over heated above the 100F (let cool a few minutes).
The heater pad without the microwave will require approximately an hour to warm up to range 90-100F. The heater pad can also be taped to the bottle for prolonged heat, and will keep the bottle near 100F for up to six hours in an inside pocket of clothing being worn. Some settling may occur. Shake bottle before and after heating, prior to the deadline. Quick Fix can only be used ONCE. Quick Fix can be reheated as many times as needed.
One more thing: please remember not to leave the cup o’ pee in the microwave by mistake. Your otherwise bland, dull, never-had-to-take-a-drug-test-because-of-criminal-charges co-workers will need to use that thing for their Lean Cuisines.